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PSYCHOLOGICAL COUNSELING I Parenting
Parenting: Fatherhood, Regaining The Heart of Your Children
By Likhanga Mudi Collins, Kenyan-Based Psychological Counselor currently based at Huduma Centre in Kisumu City. (#LikhangaMindcare in a personal capacity)
Friday, 27 October 2023 I 7 – 10 minutes read
If you are an individual with the need for support, visit a professional. There is help.
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IMAGE: INDIGENOUS TREE SPOTLIGHT: MUTERE NAME IN LUHYA LANGUAGE (MAESOPSIS EMINII), IS FOUND IN KENYA (ACCESSED 2023 AT LUCINDACENTRAL.ORG/PHOTO BY ENDRE HANSEN)
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IMAGE: DAD SIGNING AND SPEAKING WITH CHILD (PEXELS.COM/2023)
PARENTING STYLES
Being a parent means nurturing a child and providing them with utmost care and protection. This is so that children can become respectable adults. Yet, since society is very complex, entry into parenthood differs. Some become parents after significant planning, while others may ‘find themselves’ taking up the role unprepared.
Even though there is no manual for parenting, all parents and guardians should strive to raise their children as best as possible. It is prudent that parents and guardians take up the role of raising their children boldly while making intentional decisions. This, despite the nature in which the child enters the world.
Since parenting often comes with significant anxiety, parents must strive to choose the best parenting styles. It is hard to quantify the consequences of parenting styles. Despite this, parenting significantly influences the behavior of children when they become adults.
According to Wangari Kabiru, parental anxiety might be because of multiple factors such as personality, parentage or parental experiences. The concerns mainly occurring out of the new status are valid since we seek meaningful relationships. There may be feelings of uncertainty, lack of familiarity or readiness, or even anxiousness – the nervousness from joy!
“For estranged families, parenting style could be a major contributor. Self regulation which is a character strength is a virtue to culture in parents whether young or experienced throughout the parenting lifespan. So is knowledge of parenting and child development which is where professionals come in,” Wangari added.
Parenting styles vary depending on the personalities of the child and parents, culture, beliefs, and attitudes. There are four main types of parenting styles. Devised in the 60s by psychologist Diana Baumrind. These parenting styles were further backed up by the work of researchers John Martin and Eleanor Maccoby.
IMAGE: FATHER, MOTHER, AND 3 CHILDREN TAKING A FAMILY PHOTO AT THE PARK (PEXELS.COM/2023)
Authoritarian Parenting Style
Authoritarian parenting style comes with several concerns. This is because the style involves parents who are dictatorial and overbearing. Such parents are highly demanding and are also less responsive to the emotional needs of their children. These parents frequently punish their children.
A child whose parents use this parenting style has no say in anything. The child must obey all the demands of the parents with no questioning. Such a child merely exists in a ‘do as I say’ and ‘because I said so’ home setting. Even though a parent using this parenting style could depict some affection, they often offer it sparingly.
Children raised through this parenting style tend to be dependent. They find it hard to discern right from wrong on their own and hence tend not to be assertive. Kids raised using an authoritarian parenting style often have low self-esteem. They tend to seek confirmation of their worth from outside authority figures. Hence, others could easily sway them.
Authoritative Parenting Style
Many psychologists advocate for this parenting style. This is because despite parents using this parenting style being highly demanding, they are also equally responsive to the physical, psychological, and emotional needs of their children. It gives a desired balance between structure, independence and boundaries.
These parents allow their children to grow within reasonable boundaries. They freely communicate with their children and explain the significance of all set rules. When a child goes against a rule, the child freely understands that they will be punished.
Authoritative parenting style is commonly deemed tough but fair or firm but nurturing. A parent using this parenting style punishes their children. This is in a supportive manner rather than punitive.
Children raised with this parenting style tend to be assertive, self-regulated, socially responsible, and cooperative. They are confident in their judgment. They are free to seek support from their significant others in case of any difficulty. This is a crucial fact for their social, emotional, and psychological well-being.
Permissive Parenting Style
We can term parents using this parenting style as “free-style parents.” This is because they allow their children to live their lives as they wish with no rules. Permissive parents have no set structure or rules to implement and never want to disappoint or upset their children. The parent is more of a peer or a friend to the child than a parent.
Most permissive parents unfortunately lived with authoritarian parents while young. They do not want their children to face the same misery they encountered. They tend to highly respond to the needs of their children. But, have little or no demands that would nurture the kids into prosperous humans.
Sadly, due to lack of limits, permissive parenting means that the child will have poor emotional regulation. They will be entitled, have anxiety, or be overly rebellious. As a result, the child could easily be a victim of substance abuse. Such a child has low resilience and hence easily gives up when faced with challenges.
Neglectful Parenting
Neglectful parenting or “uninvolved parenting” comes with significant psychological consequences. This is because such parents rarely interact with their kids. As a result, they are termed to have low responsiveness and demandingness.
In parenting, responsiveness refers to how much parents are accepting and sensitive to their children’s emotional and developmental needs. While demandingness refers to how parents control their child’s behavior or demand maturity.
Uninvolved parents have no rules for their kids and also show no affection for them. Such parents rarely converse with their children. Hence, they never understand their children’s physical, emotional, and psychological needs.
Such children tend to easily fall victim to depression. They find it hard to form social relationships. They also tend to constantly depict hostile and delinquent behavior.
Parenting Priorities in Kenya
Parenting in Kenya was initially communal. However, as the nation experienced significant social, economic, and political change over time, parenting spontaneously became an individual responsibility. As a result, family structures and parenting practices have drastically changed.
According to Paul Oburu and Andrew Rothenberg in the study titled “Four Domains of Parenting in Kenya,” contemporary Kenyan society has seen grandparents raise children. This is after their parents die of diseases like HIV or due to movement to urban areas to look for jobs. As Kenyans embrace technology, parents are researching better ways to raise their children.
Their study also shows that most Kenyan parents have relied on corporal punishment, limit-setting, and warmth as the best means of parenting. As a result, most of them have been more skewed towards authoritarian parenting. In 2010, the government banned corporal punishment in schools. As such, luckily, it is likely that Kenyan parents are slowly embracing authoritative parenting. Other than setting strict rules for their children, they are trying to respond to their needs.
Unfortunately, there is a significant number of parents in Kenya who exercise either permissive or neglectful parenting. This is because their sole focus is meeting their basic needs. Often, this pursuit is at the expense of their children. According to Oburu and Rothenberg, Kenyan parents tend to depict decreased parental warmth from age seven to eleven. Their study shows that parental warmth increases between ages eleven and sixteen before stabilizing between ages sixteen and eighteen.
As a result, this study shows that Kenyan parents do not depict uniform parental warmth towards their children.The study further argues that parental warmth towards children among Kenyan parents varies depending on the education level of the parent, the gender of the child, and the age of the parent. Girls in Kenya receive more warmth than boys. Besides, educated and elderly parents exercise more warmth towards their kids.
Adopting The Best Parenting Style
From the research of the three psychologists on types of parenting styles, it is evident that the style adopted significantly influences a child’s well-being. Parents who opt for the authoritative parenting style make wise decisions as they serve as both parents and friends for their children.
Such authoritative parents have created room for effective communication which is crucial for any relationship. They nurture children who understand the significance of rules and are assertive. Such kids can defend their point of view respectfully.
This is contrary to authoritarian parenting which makes the child dependent. Or even permissive parenting which makes the child rebellious. Or neglectful parenting which brings about several psychological struggles.
Parenting In Regaining The Heart of Your Children
IMAGE: CHILD HOISTED ON THE SHOULDERS OF THE FATHER (PEXELS.COM/2023)
For many decades, across many cultures, people have perceived parenting as a role for women. Unfortunately, this notion is not valid. Since, fathers just like mothers must play a crucial part in raising their children. A man’s role is not just focusing on prioritizing the financial needs of their kids, which is important. But also focusing on their emotional and psychological needs.
As authoritative parenting dictates, fathers should not just focus on being highly demanding. They can be responsive to their kids. They should consider spending time with their children. Giving them the privilege to share their experiences freely which include success as well as struggles.
Being an authoritative parent does not mean lacking standards and rules that a child should follow. It encourages open communication. It allows the child to follow their dreams boldly while guided by valuable core principles. This cannot be actualized by mothers alone but with fathers as well. As a result, it is time that dads also be highly responsive to their kids.
Fathers Also Play A Crucial Role In Parenting
Parenting is crucial for the well-being of any society. Even though parents come from diverse backgrounds with unique personalities, cultures, socio-economic status, values and beliefs, they all have an obligation to nurture the best children.
#LikhangaMindcare advocates for authoritative parenting. Where the parents set rules that should be followed and also respond to the needs of their children. Despite shortcomings that Kenyan parents might face in their busy schedules, they can easily exercise authoritative parenting. This can be achieved by a parent by making an intentional decision of creating quality time for their kids in their schedule.
According to Wangari Kabiru, fathers are a symbol, a bond, and a feeling of identity, protection, and care. Thus, fatherhood is central to the family relationship; since family members are tied together by blood or other ties, as Anthony Brandt suggests in Bloodlines.
In Bloodlines, Anthony Brandt proffers that, ”The most powerful ties are the ones to the people who gave us birth … it hardly seems to matter how many years have passed, how many betrayals there may have been, how much misery in the family: We remain connected, even against our wills.” This means, for families with estranged father relationships, once acknowledged, reconciliation efforts with a professional may be most useful, Wangari added. This is to address deep seated pains, strains, and gains, the impacts, and to set ways to move forward for individual members, as a family unit, and for the lineage.
If both parents actively engage in parenting, they create a conducive psychological atmosphere for their children. Children who will freely express themselves. These are children who have the courage to pursue their dreams. All this is possible since fathers too play a crucial role in parenting and can regain the hearts.
About The Writer Likhanga Mudi Collins: Collins is a Kenya-based Psychological Counselor (#LikhangaMindcare). Working With The Government of Kenya Huduma Kenya Secretariat, Counseling and Wellness Unit at The Huduma Center in Kisumu City. Connect with #LikhangaMindcare on Facebook: Collins Likhanga or Tel: (+254) 0718277562.
Contributors: Wangari V.A.L. is an Innovations Specialist; promotes collaborative practices, enjoys game design thinking and writes about society, and is in new media design. Is a Gen Z and Alpha Positive Psychology Character Strengths Character Coach (PPAK). ENDS.
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Find Additional Resources: For Further Information Contact The Sources
Psychology Behind Parenting Styles; Jessup.Edu
Visit Huduma Kenya: About Huduma Kenya Service Delivery Programme (As of September 12, 2023): Huduma Kenya Service Delivery Programme (HKSDP) is a Kenya Vision 2030 Flagship Project. To achieve its mandate, HKSDP has operationalized four service delivery platforms namely; 52 Huduma Centres across the 47 Counties, Huduma Contact Centre accessible through the call number 020-6900020, Huduma Mashinani Outreaches, and Huduma electronic and mobile platforms. The guiding principle of the Huduma service delivery is “Service Excellence”, & and its core values known as the ‘Huduma DNA’, are Courtesy, Innovation, Integrity, Transparency, and Passion. For Tele-counseling services at Huduma, call 020-6900030 or visit their counseling desks at GPO, Kibera, Kisumu, and Thika.
MASTERMIND.CO.KE Platform & XStory Contributions: The information, insights and strategies provided here is provided for informational purposes only, may not be suitable for your situation, and is not intended to replace discussions with your provider. You should consult a professional where appropriate. All decisions regarding care must be made with a provider, considering the unique characteristics of the individual situation. If you are an individual with the need for support, visit a professional. There is help. Readers should be aware that the Internet Web sites offered as citations and/or sources for further information may have changed, been altered or disappeared between the time this was written and when it is read. All other trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
[Note: Welcome to master the mind! Thank you for reading this free newsletter story contributed in a personal capacity. Part of the MasterMind.Co.Ke XStory platform; a digital sustainability storytelling movement caring for our planet by encouraging you to be mindful as you plant a tree for each complimentary newsletter article you read! In care, protection, and respect for our shared home, the earth. Our readers understand, value, and are motivated by the fact that they are empowered to control their own destiny. Use the stories as an X-factor opening line for public storytelling on everyday life, what matters, and in care for our planet; that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers. The contents of this material is for informational purposes only and are not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, care, treatment, and support for people, plants, animals or even nature. For help, please visit a professional for guidance that is tailored to your specific situation. Be mindful as you plant a tree for each article read, video watched, audio listened to, downloads or resources accessed. Feel the sacredness of the moment by turning into your senses, bringing your attention fully to the experience; delicate seedling in your hands, the texture of the soil grounding your feet, its smell, and notice sounds around you. Let your mind take you to see, touch, and embrace the now mature tree, and experience the sensation in your body. Share, distribute, and republish freely with credit to the source as ‘This story was originally published at MasterMind.Co.Ke’.]
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INDIGENOUS TREE SPOTLIGHT
Mutere name in Luhya language (Maesopsis eminii)
IMAGE: INDIGENOUS TREE SPOTLIGHT: MUTERE NAME IN LUHYA LANGUAGE (MAESOPSIS EMINII), IS FOUND IN KENYA (2023 AT LUCINDACENTRAL.ORG/PHOTO BY ENDRE HANSEN)
INDIGENOUS TREE SPOTLIGHT: Mutere name in Luhya language (Maesopsis eminii), is found in Kenya. The Maesopsis eminii tree is very tall at 27m. It’s used for production of plywood, veneer and timber. The fruit contains 40-45% edible oil with 27% stearic acid. (courtesy: KECBO Kenya).
Be mindful as you plant a tree for each article read, video watched, audio listened to, downloads or resources accessed. Feel the sacredness of the moment by turning into your senses, bringing your attention fully to the experience; delicate seedling in your hands, the texture of the soil grounding your feet, its smell, and notice sounds around you. Let your mind take you to see, touch, and embrace the now mature tree, and experience the sensation in your body. Share, distribute, and republish freely with credit to the source as ‘This story was originally published at MasterMind.Co.Ke’.]
External link or web page with more details (As at September 29 2023):
UMBRELLA TREE COLOURS AND SHAPES
Umbrella tree, also known as Schefflera, is an impressive green apparition with eye-catching leaves that look like a hand with too many fingers. Because it’s a climber, you will often buy it with a moss pole for support. However, there are also bush forms and Schlefferas that are cultivated on multiple (interwoven) trunks. If you have the skills, you can practice bonsai techniques on it. Umbrella tree is a strong and easy plant that can last for years.
Symbolism: In China Umbrella tree is one of the most commonly used plants in Feng Shui, which is also known as acupuncture for your home. The leaf fingers capture positive energy and the plant is said to attract wealth for the residents. https://www.thejoyofplants.co.uk/umbrella-tree
Be mindful as you plant a tree for each article read, video watched, audio listened to, downloads or resources accessed. Feel the sacredness of the moment by turning into your senses, bringing your attention fully to the experience; delicate seedling in your hands, the texture of the soil grounding your feet, its smell, and notice sounds around you. Let your mind take you to see, touch, and embrace the now mature tree, and experience the sensation in your body. Share, distribute, and republish freely with credit to the source as ‘This story was originally published at MasterMind.Co.Ke’.]
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